Elevator Talk

She held the door open for me. Twice. She was on the short side, casually dressed. We were headed to the same floor. We smiled politely.

She looked down at my shoes. Red patent-leather heels that I continue to covet even though I own them, even though they reside in my own closet. She stared. I mistook this stare for admiration. Because I would admire them. I still do. Finally she said, "Aren't your feet going to hurt by the end of the day?"

What I wanted to say, but didn't, was, "Do you know how long I've waited for a day like this? Do you know how sad I am that their box has been collecting dust on my closet shelf for months??" What I wanted to say was, "What is the point of nice weather if I can't wear cheerful shoes that make me happy?" What I didn't say was, "These are exactly the kind of shoes that every woman should own and wear at least once a season no matter the occasion." What I wanted to tell her is that any small amount of pain is totally worth the ego boost they provide me with all day.

What I did say, with a shrug, was, "Eh. I'll be sitting most of the day anyway."

Because, clearly, the fact that she even had to ask that question shows that she doesn't get it. She doesn't get me. She doesn't respect The Shoe.

This is why people shouldn't talk on elevators.

The Case Against the Pinky Toe

Pinky toes are completely unnecessary. Completely. I kinda hate them. Let me tell ya why.

First of all, and maybe most importantly, they don't fit well in the cuter shoes. They stick out at the side of sandals, they get smooshed into the sides of closed-toes, they get blisters almost as often as heels. Why for? Shoes aren't really made for pinky toes. Except maybe for those weird five-finger shoes that are an abomination to fashion.

Come on, shoes don't look cute with giant spaces on the sides. The Chinese were kind of right. Sorta. Feet should look a little dainty.  On women, not dudes of course. Now, I'm not advocating that we resort to breaking and binding the entire foot, that's just crazy, messed-up shit. But we can lose one toe per foot. We can.

I have mentioned this idea to friends before. Their response? "Oh no, we can't live without that tiny digit. It helps us balance!" Wtf?? Balance? What are we? Apes? Let me tell you, that toe does nothing. Least of all keep me from losing my balance.

I broke my toe once. The pinky, of course. I nearly broke it a second time recently. Same toe. Same useless pinky. I couldn't walk on that side of my foot. And guess what? I never fell over. Not once. Not once while I walking along, or getting out of the shower, or in the car, or any other place that I could have stumbled or lost my balance, did I suddenly need to use that stupid toe to keep me from toppling over. In fact, the opposite was true. Putting weight on it hurt, so I had to lean that foot inward. Instead of using the lame toe like some ape digit.

So there it is. We don't need this little toe. It doesn't work. It doesn't fit. It's too delicate and easily broken. It doesn't serve a purpose. It is a bane to our existence.

Do you hear that, Evolution? Can you make that a priority now? I'm okay with mine falling off tomorrow.