Sunday, January 07, 2007

Mood of Melancholy With a Side of Reflection

Yes, I realize that it has been months. I would resolve to write for you more frequently, but I'm a really bad liar. I'm afraid you'll just have to take what you can get at this point, with my sincerest apologies. Thank you for understanding my neuroses.

Why the melancholy you ask? Oh, well, what could it be? Possibly the fact that I probably hate winter more than anyone else I know. After almost 15 years of living here I am still dumbfounded that my windshield can require this 'object' to scrape 'ice' before I can drive away.
But besides that, I've undergone a few changes in the last few months. My mom and dad decided to retire and move to some God-forsaken town in Mississippi. (M-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-Humpback-Humpback-I) that only has dial-up internet. Horror of all horrors -can you even imagine such a thing?

Now I know that I'm an adult, and have separated psychologically appropriately from my mother's apron strings, but I cried like a baby when she told me she would be moving. And I had over a year to prepare, as they had a business here and my brother was finishing high school. But it wasn't enough. And, oddly, the closer to the day that we got, the farther I pushed away. I couldn't handle it. I could not imagine not being in the same town as my mom. She's the reason I've stayed in the Land of Long Winters for as long as I have. I wanted my daughter to be close to her grandparents, I had a convenient back-up babysitter. True, I rarely saw my mom, but she was here when I needed her. Or just wanted to see her. She was here.

They ended up leaving at the end of October. That made this the first Christmas in my whole life that I have not spent with my family. And it truly is the family as my 18 year old baby brother and 29 year old baby sister moved with the parental units as well. I may have cried like a baby over the move, but that's where my babyness ended. (Apart from the whining that I'm doing now.) It seemed as if all the traditions from all the years just evaporated. Like they too had been packed in a box and put on the moving truck. I believe this holds true for a lot of families, the Mom is the glue. The Mom makes It happen. Without Mom, there would be no Christmas. There have been some adjustments over the years, as I've grown up, divorced, started a new relationship. But the basics were always there. And so was Mom.

This was also the first year that I allowed my daughter to be with her dad on Christmas Eve. Which meant no Kid in additon to no Mom. I almost did not know what to do with myself. So I baked cookies and pretended Santa was still coming. It was nice, just me and L. I made filet mignon for dinner. It just wasn't the same. There were two pieces of me missing. Physical, literal pieces - the part I came from and the part that came from me.

By default, I am now the glue. For my new family and for my old family. My Mom is sort of a weirdo. I can tell you 5 times in my life that I've seen her cry. I have probably cried at least once in the last 5 days. We are opposites. I am sentimental and "dramatic", she is practical and stable, consistent in her inconsistencies. She is the one now breaking away and leaving me behind. I'm not sure, but I think she has it backwards. At any rate, I am the New Glue. I am now responsible for holding my new family together and maintaining the connection between my parents for my daughter. And myself.

So there is sadness. It makes the New Year something else for me. Some relationships mean more to me than others. I want to make the most of what I have, and less of what I don't need. Cleaning out my closet. Dropping dead weight. Glue can only hold so much. I don't feel that I've achieved Super Glue status yet, it's all still so new to me. I'm practicing with paper, I can't do anything fancy like china teacups yet.

There are other changes I've gone through recently. One in particular that I chose. But it will have to wait as there is a bottle of wine and a boyfriend calling my name. So dear reader, to be continued...

Oh, resolutions you ask? I detest them, but if you insist.

I resolve to take better care of my skin.
I resolve to drink more.

I know there is a very real possibility that number one could be negated by number two, but there you go. It is what it is.
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