With This Ring I Me Wed

Remember that SATC episode where Carrie goes to a baby shower and the hostess makes her take her $300 shoes off in her house because she’s afraid shoe germs will kill her kids and then someone steals them? And then Carrie tells the hostess that she should replace her shoes because it was her stupid rule about not spreading germs from shoes in her house to kill her kids that caused her shoes to get stolen? But the stupid woman says that nobody should ever spend $300 on shoes because she obviously has no taste in shoes? So Carrie sends out a wedding announcement that she is marrying herself and she registers for the shoes she wants replaced and they arrive gift-wrapped? Yeah, I love that one too.

And it gave me an idea. It seems that my New Year’s resolution has unleashed the Suzie Homemaker/Martha Stewart/Julie Child-wannabe within me. It seems to keep growing. Two recipes-I’ve-always-wanted-to-try-but-was-too-afraid-to didn’t seem like enough for a whole year. I decided to try one for each month. But now I have all of these ideas just jumbling up my thoughts and they’ve caused me to realize I am missing quite a few kitchen accoutrements to help me fulfill my culinary dreams. Seriously, I would need to get a second job to obtain all of these newly coveted items.

Then it came to me - why don’t I marry myself so I can use a bridal registry and have other people buy them for me? Genius. Even better? Nobody is required to travel, sit through some boring ceremony for a marriage they don’t even think will last (except this one will. I’ll never leave myself.) and I don’t have to shell out a fortune for a wedding. I just get stuff. Yay me!!

Here it is, then. My list. In no particular order of priority or price. (I do firmly believe in thank you cards, so you will get a small token in return.)

1. Food processor. How have I gone so long without one?
2. Tart pan. Regular size and smaller sizes would also be appreciated.
3. Pepper mill
4. Crock pot. I know! I can’t believe I’ve never bought one either! You’ll have the pleasure of giving me my first one!
5. Mortar and pestle.
6. Crème brulee torch and crème brulee dishes.
7. Cheese grater. One of those electric ones. Jen will also send you a thank you because she’s probably tired of being my cheese grating bitch.
8. New knife set. Mine are desperately dull.
9. Pasta press. For when I’m feeling really ambitious.
10. Lemon zest grater. Or lime zest grater. Or orange zest. Just whatever kind of citrus I want to zest. I might even just wave it around while I say “zest!”
11. Cooper Cooler. I had one once and it broke. Or I wore it out. It is the best way to chill wine. Ever. Unless you like to keep your labels intact. But they’ll be my labels so you don’t have to worry about that.
12. Cordial glasses. They’re cute. And fancy. Just like me.
13. Kitchen Aid stand mixer. This isn’t a must, this is really more for the rich aunt who likes to show off her enormous wealth. Except I don’t have one of those. I do like the way the shiny stand mixers look though, so I had to add it.
14. Cooking With Booze. It’s a book I found at the library and loved but didn’t steal because I want my own brand new pretty copy. It has recipes that include booze plus drinks to make with said boozy food. How can you go wrong mixing the two? You can’t. Buy the book. For me. Then you can get your own copy.

That’s my list. In all of its bridal glory. For those of you that don’t believe in same-self marriage, I understand and am generous enough to remind you that I have a monumental birthday coming up. You can call it a birthday present if that makes it easier for you.

Happy shopping!