Not Today, Satan Buzzard

 Do you know what it means to see a vulture first thing in the morning? Because I think I remember that seeing a crow meant someone was going to die. Of course a vulture seems more ominous, like something has already died. 

Anyhoo. I'm asking because that's what I saw first thing this morning when I took the girls out for their first potty. Just sitting on the rooftop across from me. Seemingly doing a weather vane cosplay. After the week we've had, I thought maybe he was a harbinger of death for yet another celebrity so I gave him hard side eye but went about my business. Or, rather, the girls' business. 

Once we officially got out of bed and the girls had their breakfast, I took Lucy Jane out. As we stepped onto the front porch, I saw a large shadow coming toward us and heard a very loud thump. I looked up and saw the vulture. 

"JESUS CHRIST!!!"

That was my exact response. I know. Eloquent, even under pressure. 

Excuse me, sir. Are you not supposed to wait for small creatures to die before you try to abscond with them? Because this little Boston Terrier is very clearly alive. As am I, if you had any really big ideas. 

That bastard stared us down as we walked away. 

As for Lucy Jane, well. My poor little baby was too scared to even pee. Even submissively. She insisted on being picked up and was just all atremble. Her little heart was beating so fast. 

The creepy feathered asshole was gone when we got back, but I'm onto him. And he better not try that trick with Oona, because she is batshit crazy. I've never seen her back down from anyone. 

You've been warned, feathered fucker. 

I Will Always Love Her

The world lost a virtual angel today. There will be countless stories about Dolly Parton's generosity, her charitable work, and what she meant to the world—and especially to Tennessee. I can only tell you what she meant to me.

Earlier I posted that Dolly was a constant in my life and that's not an exaggeration. I can't remember a time that I didn't know who she was; she's just always been there. By the time I was aware of her, she was already famous. I remember hearing her songs in the house and in the car. On an 8-track. My mom and I sang along to 'Coat of Many Colors', 'Islands in the Stream', and 'The Bargain Store.' She was the soundtrack of my childhood.

I distinctly remember my mom letting me watch 'The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas' with her because it was my first R-rated movie and I couldn't believe my luck. I've watched 'Steel Magnolias' more times than I can count and one of her lines is one I think of often. "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion."

As I grew into adulthood, I appreciated her in a deeper way. 'Hard Candy Christmas' has gotten me through some melancholy moments during the holidays. She was an icon but so relatable. 

Moving to Tennessee and joining the burlesque community unexpectedly put me within two degrees of Dolly through more than one person. My favorite—and most fortunate—connection is that we were photographed by the same photographer. She attended the Smoky Mountain Burlesque Festival the night before I was there. The performers that night said that she went backstage and told them it was the most fun she'd had since 'Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.' 

In 2019, she celebrated her 50th anniversary with The Grand Ole Opry. My friend from Washington came to Nashville with her sister and a couple of other friends to attend the performance. One of the friends had to bail to take care of a child and her ticket was offered to me. I might have peed my pants in excitement when I found out. All those little connections to her had delighted me, but actually seeing her? At her 50th Opry anniversary? That will forever be one of the very best surprises of my life.

And then there were the little things. I learned a few years ago that she once had a Boston Terrier named Popeye. Despite what she said about looking "trashy," she obviously had good taste. 

Now her legacy will live on through my two favorite boys. Both my nephew and my grandson receive books through her Imagination Library. That makes four generations of my family that she has touched. And I know we're not the only ones. 

Because I'm in Nashville, I drove by her house on my way home. I don't go that way often because it takes me longer to get home, but I wanted to see if her gate had yet turned into a memorial. Of course it had. Within just hours people were gathering to leave flowers, notes, signs, stuffed animals. I expect by tomorrow the street will be full. 

Yeah, this loss is a big one. It hurts. But how lucky are we to have shared this planet with such a bright light of hope, joy, and generosity?

I'm not sure we deserved her. But we can keep her spirit alive by spreading a little more kindness and gratitude of our own.

As for me, I will love her. Always.

Reintroduction Day Two

Has anyone ever said to you, "Tell me something nobody else knows about you?" I was asked that once by what turned out to be a one-night-stand. I think he had already envisioned walking down the aisle but I was like, No. Uh, buddy. The very audacity to think I'm going to dig inside myself to produce something possibly sacred about my soul? No. 

But I have been thinking about that a little bit while opening this blog up again. What do I want you to know? What is the quickest way to describe myself to you? And then it hit me. Two of my favorite things! Animals and LISTS!!

Here we go, in no particular order. 

1. I volunteer with Boston Terrier Rescue of East Tennessee. I started out fostering, which is how I got Lucy Jane, and I'm now a foster coordinator. Although I don't have many fosters in Middle Tennessee. Maybe one of you wants to help me out with that. 

2. Speaking of Bostons, I have two. Oona Clare and Lucy Jane. Their predecessors were Remy and Ruby. It is important to note that Ruby was my soul dog. 

3. Speaking of dogs, I have always loved them. My mom's first bulldog was Astarte. We then had George, Aphrodite, Venus, Cassiopeia, Taurus, and one largeish litter. Mom and Dad then had the most neurotic chihuahua, a mini Schnauzer, and now Mom is in her Frenchie Era. There were a few others sprinkled in, but this isn't the History of Dogs in the Elsner Household. This is about Me. 

4. I was once bitten by a pony. At a pumpkin farm. I have forgiven, but not forgotten. 

5. A few years ago, a friend and I saved some baby possums who had been dumped in a trash can with their (unalived) mother. They were so cute and I will always advocate for possums. They're not scary, they're shy. And they eat ticks. Thank one the next time you see it. 

6. If an animal or other living creature comes to my patio, I will name it and appropriate it as a pet. This summer we have Figment, the hummingbird who comes to the feeder I put out when I saw him investigating my flowers. A couple of summers ago, a skunk slunk under my gate and helped himself to some trash that hadn't yet made it to the trash can. I decided he was French, like the cartoon, so I named him Moufette and purposely left out chicken bones and other delicacies for him. Sadly, that relationship was over almost as quickly as it began and I suspect the neighbors who were complaining about him being around. 

7. One summer by the lake I got to live out my Snow White fantasy with a bird who landed on my leg when I shared my pesto wrap with it. More than once. I was overjoyed until a couple of its friends were looking like they wanted to try it and then I decided I didn't want to live out my The Birds nightmare. 

8. I have had other equine adventures. When I was about 11, my cousin and I went bareback riding with her horse and a neighbor's. Mind you, my cousin was only 7 or 8 and we did this without actual parental consent. Gen X and all that. My horse suddenly got the zoomies and then ran under a branch trying to knock me off. I did NOT fall off, I ducked. That horse and I weren't friends after that. 

9. Misbehaving Horses Part Deux. In college, a boyfriend and I went horseback riding in the desert in Palm Springs. He was a very inexperienced rider. I, as proved by bullet point 8, was an excellent rider. His dumb ass horse went off-trail and down the side of a cliff. My dumb ass boyfriend had no control over the dumb ass horse. As we were in the middle of nowhere, I had no choice but to follow them. My much smarter horse resisted because he wasn't a dumb ass, but finally relented. I let him have the reins and laid back since we were nearly vertical at that point. However, this does once again illustrate my superior skills with horses. Just not ponies. 

10. As a Gen-Xer, I have had some questionable encounters with wild animals that I would not repeat. Like riding an elephant. Once when I was little, and again when Devon was little. I'm pretty sure my parents took me for a photo-op with a baby bear or some type of baby big cat. I USED TO love Sea World and as kids, my parents took us every other year. I think the last time I went was when I was pregnant with Devon because when you know better, you do better. 

And there we are. Ten is a nice, round number. I've obviously had some interesting encounters with mammals and birds. We'll save the amphibian stories for another time. Oh, and the time my dog rolled in a dead fish. 

I told you, it gets real weird around here sometimes. 

Reintroduction

 So just let me introduce myself. 

My name is Humpty. 

Oh. Wait, that's not right. I do like my beats funky and I am spunky but I don't even like oatmeal. 

Okay. So. I've been going through old posts and thought it was about time to dust this blog off and that reintroducing myself would be a good way to do that. I'll be spending the first few posts telling you things about me. Not my favorite color or how I like long walks on the beach, but some of the more personal things. Maybe the weird things. Definitely the weird things. So that I don't scare you off right away, I'll start with something a little mild. 

This morning, after I got dressed, I imagined someone telling me how cute my dress is. It is. It's new and it's cyoot. I wore another new dress last week and a co-worker did tell me it was cute. She asked me if it was hand-made because of the little stitched cherries that adorned it. I said, "No. It's from ROSS!!" She seemed disappointed by this confession as she said, "You don't have to tell people that."

But I do have to tell people. Because I LOVE a bargain and I will tell everyone about it. Just the other day I found a front door decoration on clearance for TWO DOLLARS. I saved $40 on Magic+ bands for Disney by getting them on eBay. I once coveted a pair of pink leopard print heels for an entire season until they were marked down to $15. 

So there's a small fact about moi. If you share my affinity for low price tags, let's be friends. We'll get to the weird stuff later.