Tuesday, June 21, 2011

How Birth Control Works

I know, he's only been here two hours but BC has totally earned his name. I have thought of at least a dozen reasons how his name fits him.

1. He has to be followed around constantly. You could maybe make out for about five seconds at a time before being interrupted.

2. You spend too much time cleaning up after him to have time to have sex. There are only so many hours in a day.

3. If there is time leftover, you're too exhausted after cleaning up and chasing all day.

4. There is the obvious fact that you don't want two of these things walking around the house wreaking havoc. You think he is cute until you see the weight of his bagel in crumbs all over the table.

5. It's hard to have sex with a tantrum going on in the background. Not exactly mood music.

6. "No" becomes an automatic, unrehearsed response.

7. Having pee on your shirt doesn't work as a pheromone.

8. There's no time to shave your legs or put on makeup.

9. There's no time left over after consoling the dogs and apologizing to them for the tornado you've let into their home that they don't understand.

10. If you turn your back for a second he might stab someone or burn the house down. It's hard to relax under those circumstances.

11. There's enough frustration throughout the day without having to worry about being sexually frustrated. And there's no point in starting something you can't really finish.

12. There's no watching porn to get in the mood because you always have the t.v. on something stupid like Wonderpets or fucking Spongebob on the off-chance that BC will get interested in it and sit down for five precious minutes. There is no bigger cockblocker than fucking Spongebob. (Spell check has a problem with both Spongebob and cockblocker. We have so much in common.)


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