How to Kill Yourself in Three Days

Day 1- Walk the butte with two small dogs who will make you walk faster than you want to. Breathe.

Day 2 - Go to Zumba. Feel stupid and see your mom every time you look in the mirror but convince yourself that you are burning enough calories to make you look hotter than your mom ever dreamed of. Ignore the fact that your legs are already pissed off at you. Tell them you're all in this together, they can't be the only good thing about your body, it isn't fair to your abs. Who are the real enemy here.

Day 3 - Go cross-country skiing for the first time ever. Shuffle along as the last person in your group and struggle to hold back the tears that are either stemming from a severe case of PMS, feeling-forced-to-do-something-you-never-wanted-to-do-induced depression, or the fact that every muscle below your waist is trying to kill you. Including the bottoms of your feet. You have muscle there? Fall down, pulling your shin and foot into an unnatural position. Give up after two hours and walk the rest of the way. Feed your body a Bloody Mary and BBQ hamburger while promising it that if it will just start losing weight on its own, you will never do that to it again.