Random Motivating Drunk Calls

I've had a cold this week. The wife said all weekend that she was fighting something and then I woke up with it Monday morning. Yay, my favorite. I'm going out of town this weekend so I've been trying to kick this cold's ass before it packs its bags to go with me. So last night, I dutifully took my Nyquil, snuggled up with the puppies, and prepared for sleep.

Then my phone rang. It was a number from Texas. A number I did not recognize. I swiped left. I assumed it was some random number that dialed mine by mistake and again closed my eyes. A text followed. A text informing me that this was San Diego, from Bend, calling me from Texas.

Backstory #1. Friends do not remember the names of guys that I date. It is much easier to name them based off of a distinguishing characteristic. For example, there was FBI Guy, Airplane Guy, South Africa, and, most recently, The Texan.

Backstory #2. San Diego was a guy I'd met in Bend. We met for drinks a couple of times, he disappeared, then messaged me from San Diego. Hence the name. He invited me to San Diego (the city, not himself) for the weekend a few years ago. It was fun. We laughed over drinks, ate some delicious sushi, went to a Padres game, and then I never heard from  him again. I wasn't sure how much of it wasn't us actually hitting it off versus how much was because I threw up all over the inside of his Porsche. Hey, shit happens. And usually to me.

Now that you're caught up, you can imagine how surprised I was to hear from Mr. San Diego. Except I guess now he's Mr. Austin but I don't change names so he's stuck with San Diego. Anyhoo, I called back out of curiosity. Morbid curiosity? Maybe.

Mostly I had to know why he was calling from a Texas number. Because he lives there now. Something about business, I didn't ask. I think he mostly wanted to compare southern stories but Texas is like its own country. And Austin is like a U.S. state surrounded by that other country. He also wanted to brag about dropping his boat in the lake whenever he wants. And yes, he's seen the bats under the bridge like a stupid tourist but he doesn't need to leave his house to see bats or 11 deer or a bobcat.

The rest of the call was some sort of rambling drunkenness but a lot of it centered around this blog. The one I largely neglect these days. He has somehow deluded himself into thinking I'm a Great Writer. That I should write a book. (About what? Dog slobber? The great shit stains to fashion known as Crocs? My life, which is funny only in moments, not in entirety?) He encouraged me to blog again. Because I'm so fucking great, writing may be my real talent, and some more drunk rambling.

Now, all of this does have a point with some actual, real meaning. Random calls from random dudes who ignore me for years and then just pop up out of the blue are pretty funny and can make good stories. But what San Diego wanted me to know is that he thinks I can Do Something, I am good at this thing I sometimes do. Someone once told him to do something he was good at and he ended up succeeding and making money doing That Thing.

I am not trying to validate that the words I say here are actually entertaining or that my blog should go viral or that I am particularly brilliant at anything. I am simply saying that we, as a society, say some very ugly things to each other. Cyber bullies. Racists. Misogynists. Donald Trump. Celebrities are feuding over their egos and certain colors of people are inciting violence against another color of people. Hell, I can't go to the ladies' room or walk down a grocery aisle without getting sneered at.

We are mean. God, we are so mean.

What I want to suggest is that you take a moment to say something nice to someone. You never know what little snippet of conversation someone will remember for the rest of their lives. What will motivate them to try harder or reach higher. All because someone recognized them and told them so. Tell a severely depressed person that you admire her courage because the fight is a hard one and she does it with grace. She just might live a day or a year or a lifetime longer because you noticed and acknowledged her. Tell the single dad that you appreciate the way he communicates with his daughter. He may always remember that and hold onto it instead of throwing up his hands when she enters her teenage years, the time she'll need him most.

Reach out in whatever way you can. Send a text. Say it with a hug. Randomly call someone in a drunken stupor.

Just, for the love of Nyquil, let them sleep if they need to sleep!

When Cheesecake Leads to Racism

Last night the Texan and I went to dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. I'm always boggled by the fact that the servers there wear all-white uniforms. I mean, all I have to do is look at a plate of food and I end up with half of it on my clothes. I really hope they don't have to pay for their uniforms. If I were forced to wear a white uniform, I'd spend my entire paycheck on my stupid uniform.

Anyway, that thought led to this little conversation. (Side note: our server was a black lady.)

Me: Why do they have to wear all white?
The Texan: That was racist.
Me: What? What was racist about that?
Tex: "Why can't they all be white?" That just sounds racist.
Me: That is NOT what I said!!

And people wonder why I have white guilt.

Thinking about blogging that little bit, I realized I would have to call him something. Which led to this little exchange.

Me: I need a name for you.
Tex: Stud.
Me: You're not an 80's porn star.

Incidentally, he has given himself a porn name and whole (imaginary) porn persona. I may have met my match.

Driving My Life Away

Remember that song? It was by Eddie Rabbit. Coincidentally, it came on while I was driving back from Nashville on the way home. Actually, I think I was somewhere between Gatlinburg and Nashville and I was the only one awake so I was the only one it made sense to at the time. Pretty much summed up this whole trip though as there was more driving than any other activity. Which meant I learned a lot about driving. And half of the country since we drove across most of it. 

Buckle your seat belts, here we go.

1. I have no use for anything east of Arizona through Memphis. 

2. New Mexico is not the land of enchantment. False advertising. 

3. Arkansas asks visitors to keep its state green. I wish it had asked me to stay out of its ugly ass. 

4. Most places outside of Oregon omit the seat covers in their restrooms. I am too old to squat but, then again, it was the only exercise I got for 10 days. 

5. Those southern states really like their God and Jesus billboards, but I think they like their porn more. It was about a 3:1 ratio in favor of the "adult romance" stores. 

6. Nevada brothels offer hot sauce and souvenirs in addition to bad sex. Souvenir? Is that what they call herpes? 

7. The only places people live in Nevada are Reno and Vegas. And I assume someone lives at the brothels. 

8. California cops are mean and will write you a ticket very slowly while you are being eaten alive by mosquitoes. I wonder if he would have let me take his picture. 

9. Stuckeys no longer exist. This breaks the heart of the little girl inside me. 

10. Stepmoms provide the most welcome dinners and breakfasts. At least mine does. She rocks that grandma house like no other. 

11. Tennessee has the best rest area. Again, somewhere between Gatlinburg and Nashville. It had a separate building just for vending machines full of soda, juice, water, coffee, snacks, and desserts. 

12. A banana pudding festival exists in the world and one day I will go to it. 

13. The panhandle of the state of Texas should just disappear off the face of the earth. I would burn it down if there was anything there to burn. 

14. The only things you can buy in New Mexico are blankets and moccasins. And whatever you can buy at the occasional smoke shop. 

15. It's clear how badly I have to pee when I see an adorable Boston in the middle of freaking nowhere but I can't stop to pet/molest him. 

Best sites along the way:

1. The weird dinosaur statues in Arizona.

2. Actually, all of Arizona. It was really pretty. 

3. The rare toilet seat cover. 

4. Bathrooms that weren't totally gross. 

5. New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Memphis in the rear view mirror. 

6. My dad standing on his street corner to make sure I got in okay. 

7. Fruit and good coffee. 

8. The sunset over Nevada. 

9. In-N-Out!!!!

10. My dogs when I got home.