Gay People Owe Us

The Wife and I are used to people thinking that we are an actual couple. At first we were like, “Us? No! No, we’re not together. Not like that. Ha ha ha. No…….” And now it happens so often we just shrug it off. There are far worse things that could happen than being mistaken for being gay.

This past weekend was the perfect example of how often this happens. We went to look at some open houses in ritzy neighborhoods. Because they were all in the million-dollar price range and there is no way we could actually fake it with a realtor long enough to be shown these homes otherwise. It was also a spontaneous thing that happened on the way to Trader Joe’s. That is how our weekends usually go because we’re both like, “Squirrel!! Squirrel in a mansion!!” But, anyway……

We went to three houses and all three realtors at all three houses asked if we were buying together. They were all dudes so maybe they were just being hopeful, but it was a little odd to have a 100% rate of people thinking we’re lesbians. And, what? Friends can’t look at houses together? Sisters don’t look at houses together? If you are spending a Sunday afternoon looking at houses that are outrageously out of your price range with a member of the same sex that automatically makes you a “couple?” Whatevs.

Afterward though, when we were talking about how people like to put us in this box, we did appreciate the fact that they all seemed very accepting of us. Even the old guy didn't bat an eye when asking if we were together. Way to be progressive, Nashville! But then we (because one of us is a Leo) decided that it's us that makes people so comfortable with the idea. People who seem like they would normally be turned off by anyone doing anything differently than they do. We’re nice. We’re approachable. We’re a good representation of the gay community. Only we’re not. Gay, I mean. Still, people think we are so we’re inadvertently doing our part to advance awareness and acceptance. For that, for taking one for the team we don’t play for, the gay community owes us.

How can you pay us back, you ask? Wifey wants someone to take her shopping for clothes. It sounds easier than it is. I just want to be invited to cool parties.  I’ll bring the Wife. 

Socially Awkward Dog Is Not Steve Buscemi

I took the Boston Terrors out for an unprecedented, two-days-in-a-row-in-January! walk. Well, I took Ruby twice, Remy just one of those times. And he's the one that was properly socialized as a puppy, but I don't know if I ever want to be seen in public with him again.

Saturday Ruby and I went for a walk with the wife and her pug Shanaenae Laquifah Kwanza Jackson. AKA Gracie. I so want these two to be best friends, but Ruby doesn't get the concept of friendship. When she's not completely ignoring little Gracie, she's trying to kill her. Stealthily. As in no warning, no alarm, just full-on lunging for her throat.

She does, however, get the concept of shopping. After doing half of the Old Mill loop, we took them around the shops in order to get the full effect of their cuteness. Ruby window shops. It's not all stores, just the ones that catch her eye. She'll stop, peek inside, and then continue her booty-shaking strut. Then we came to Victoria's Secret, where she wanted to go inside. She tried to walk into both the Pink side and the regular side. I don't know if it was the lace or the smell that attracted her.

On Sunday KY and I took both Ruby and Remy so that I could lose a few calories before consuming my much-anticipated movie popcorn. Again, Ruby wanted to go into Vicki's. She even sat down in the doorway when I pulled her back. Maybe she's getting inspiration to lose a few pounds. Like mother, like dog.

Afterward, we took Remy to the dog park. Ruby had to sit outside because the sign clearly said "No aggressive dogs." Remy used to be the good one. He used to know how to play. Yesterday it was like he forgot how to be a normal dog.

First of all, he had to pee on the gate before we even got in. A drop of it splashed on my shoe. Gross. Then he sniffed the butts of the three giant Husky-type dogs who had zero interest in him. He looked retarded. Next, he went around trying to get anything bigger than him to chase him. Nobody took the bait. He looked like a socially retarded kid that all the other kids just turn away from. They know better than to be mean to him and they're more embarrassed for him than anything else anyway.

When nobody would play with him, he started barking for their attention. I actually heard some guy say to him, "Shut up, Steve Buscemi!" and then he laughed at him.

The darling little husky puppy wanted to play with him but she must have been too close to his size because he just growled at her to leave him alone. After that I decided I'd had enough humiliation and led him back out. Of course he had to pee on the gate again as a final embarrassment.

I think I'll stick to lunching with Ruby and Shanaenae. I am determined to make them best friends.