Thursday, July 05, 2012

Heavy Petting

Yesterday Mr. A, the wife, D and I went to the pet parade. Of course. Duh, where else would I be on the 4th of July? The pet parade is only second to Halloween in terms of holiday events that I love. It's also behind my birthday. And opening Christmas presents. Which I don't get many of anymore, so the pet parade is really high on the list. It's dogs. How can that be wrong? It just can't. Dogs, people! DOGS!!

We squealed and squeed and giggled over all the cuteness in fur and on four legs. Puppies, seniors, huge, tiny, hairy, not-so-hairy, dressed-up, painted, blinged-out, they were all adorable. In the park afterward we molested anything we could get our hands on, although my favorites were of the scrunchy-faced variety - English Bulldogs, French Bulldogs, Boston Terriers, dachsunds, chihuahuas, even a Great Dane. I got drool on my hands, my arm, my leg and I didn't care. Dog drool can be so awesome.

For the most part, people were more than happy to share their dogs' drool with us. Except for one very grumpy, unhappy, not-nice, Grinchy old lady. She was sitting on the curb with her two dogs to watch the parade. Two of my very favorite kinds of dogs. An adorable Frenchie and a delightfully wrinkly English Bulldog. They combined to make the perfect storm of cuteness. They practically begged to be pet. Heavily. I squealed out, "A Frenchie! A wrinkly face!!!!!" And the woman turned and glared at me. She glared like I've seen nobody glare before. It was like her nasty old eyes were saying, "Go ahead. Touch my dog and I will bite your face off." And I thought, "Seriously? You're going to bring that much Puppy Cuteness out in public and not expect a reaction? Seriously?" Since I was with the teenager and supposed to be setting some kind of example of appropriate adult behavior, I didn't say anything to Old Hagface. But I'm going to now.

Look "Lady", you have two of the cutest dogs I have ever seen. It is a sin not to share those furry wrinkles with others. You cannot hoard it just for yourself. Yours is almost singly the most selfish act I have ever witnessed. How dare I want to pet your dogs? How dare you expose them to me and then deny me of their drooly kisses! Honestly, you don't deserve to be in the presence of that much Dogness. Keeping it to yourself has only turned you into a Bad Person. You can't handle the magnetism. Don't you know Puppy Love is meant to be shared with the world?

Since I was supposed to be an adult and didn't want to get arrested, I walked away. After glaring back. But you bet I was sorely tempted to run at her, knock her down, and roll around in the street with those sweet puppies. But apparently there is enough insanity in my life and that sort of behavior is frowned upon.

Honey Badger wouldn't have given a shit.


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